How do I Get Her Interested in Me?
You have done everything right. You met her online, had some short texts back and forth, and agreed to meet up for coffee. You showed up clean and on time. It was fine. The conversation was easy with no quiet awkward moments of silence. Everyone was perfectly polite. You paid for her coffee and it ended with an amicable feeling and an agreement to call and set up another date. Despite the apparent success of the meet up you are left feeling rather neutral. There was no real spark, no real connection was made. You can’t really remember anything personal about her. You called and arranged the second date. This one is a little more serious. You are planning to be very traditional and take her to dinner and then to the jazz club for a cocktail and some music. You are hopeful that this date will lead to the first kiss and beyond, but you have no idea how to get from point A to point B. How are you going to make her interested in you?
If you want to be interesting, be interested. Memorize it. Write it on a post it and stick it to the bathroom mirror. Live it in every interaction you have. Be genuinely interested. This may be easier said than done. Are you really interested?
Janine was excited about her date with Russ. A handsome eligible middle age widower. By any quizzable standards he was a catch. He opened doors and held her arm. He selected a wonderful restaurant and was knowledgeable about food and wine. He told wonderful stories about his exciting travel adventures, the legendary concerts he had attended , and his beautiful home and property with horses and chickens. He was considerate, anticipating her needs and he had a great sense of humor. When it came to the end of the date and Russ went in for the kiss, he ended up getting the cheek. He called for another date. Janine thanked him, but turned him down with an excuse of being too busy. This was a common occurrence with Russ and he was not surprised. He was often stuck in the friend zone and could not figure out why.
Russ has had an exciting life and wants to share it. He did ask questions about Janine, but as soon as she answered he would elaborate on a common experience of his own. When she mentioned her trials in life, he would give her simple advice on how to change her situation. He was complimentary and grateful for her presence but he was clearly not as interested in her as he was interested in being interesting.
After polling my women’s group about “How do I get her interested In me”, over half said, “be interested in ME”. Women fall in love with you for the way you make them feel. By offering her unwarranted advice on life or answering her stories with an even better one feels devaluing and diminishing, even though the point was to be helpful and impressive. Don’t worry about not getting to tell your stories. It’s the first date. Save something for later.
Next on the list from women... Listen. Just listen without judgement. It is hard to do, but just shut up and authentically listen. Don’t try to fix her or her situation. It is men’s instinct to fix things but that is not what women want. Women can fix things on their own. Women want understanding and compassion. Women want to feel heard and valid. Women want someone who is genuinely interested in them, not just their vagina. Women want to feel cared for and safe. This is how they feel when you listen and respect them without trying to solve their problems, show them a better way, or ‘one up’ every experience they have. Just listen. Women will tell you exactly what they want if you just listen.